Deconstructing The Feb 8 General Elections

There is much confusion about these elections. To get clarity on many aspects concerning them they need to be dissected and each aspect studied separately. This done, clarity is very easy to come by.

It is not difficult to see that these elections were held because of the high regard in which Napoleon and his marshals hold democracy. And they were rigged because of the concern they have for the people of Pakistan.

As the anchor Muneeb Farooq informed a grateful nation, the High Command’s position was that if the children in a family [the people of Pakistan] chose to use heroin, it was the duty of Daddy [Gen Asim Munir] that this they not be allowed to do.

So, civic commitment and compulsions of nobility combined to make a win-win formula, i.e. that the people would be allowed to vote any way they liked, but it would be for Daddy to select whom they elected! And even more importantly, to ensure that the one who was NOT to be elected, was kept out of the ring.

After all, in a General Election, it was only fair that it would be Generals who had the first right to decide the results!

Therefore, in a world divided among those countries where it mattered how people voted, and those where the essential issue was how these votes were counted, Pakistan [ever chasing progress] decided to become a member of the second group.

So, despite the very careful selection of those to be elected on Feb 8, these “bloody civilians” began goofing up again. When the Generals were not looking, people began voting in huge numbers precisely for the one whom they had been admonished not even to name, much less vote for.

Most fortunately though, just before the situation had gone hopelessly out of hand, the High Command got wind of it. With their usual efficiency they ordered that all communication with the scene of action be cut. And then they took stock of the situation. They found that in case of most polling stations votes had been counted, and the vote count endorsed on Forms 45, certified, and given over to the contesting candidates. These results showed that by an eighty percent majority, the people had disobeyed Daddy and had voted the wrong way. O’ the kids today!

But disaster was averted just in time. In many cases the results of Forms 45 had yet to be consolidated on Froms 47. These forms show the consolidated results of the whole constituency and are sum of the results of Forms 45. If the Forms 47 [which had yet to be issued] were to show the “selected” candidates as winners in their constituencies, despite the fact that they had lost in every polling station, the situation could still be mended. And here the famed decisiveness of the High Command came forth and retrieved the situation. An order went out that candidates on the “selected” list be shown as winners on Froms 47 even if they had lost in each of the polling stations.

The upshot was a miracle more stupendous than the parting of the Red Sea and the results showed that Gen Moses had successfully led his children out of one benighted misrule and handed them into the captivity of knaves, thugs, and pimps.

This time the “bloody civilians” did not disappoint. They stepped up to the plate and delivered the results that were the need of the hour. A truly stunning example of civil-military cooperation indeed.

The biggest winners of this “night count” came out to be Asif Zardari and Nawaz Sharif and their lackeys. When one considers that Zardari was known as Mr ten percent the world over, and there was no corner of the world where Nawaz Sharif was not greeted by the slogan of ” Chor-Chor”, one is constrained to wonder if our High Command had not made corruption a condition essential to the winning of an election in Pakistan.

This reminds me of a Pakistani who abandoned his US citizenship and returned home. When friends and loved ones asked him what had compelled him to do so, he told them that the US was making laws in favour of homosexuality so thick and fast that he thought it best to run back home before they made it compulsory!
As it has been made compulsory that in order to sit in Pakistan’s parliament, one’s name on the list of the corrupt should appear high up the order, one should not be faulted for looking ahead with trepidation on the days that will follow.

It is said of Gen Asim Munir that on the few occasions when retired senior officers have attempted to draw his attention towards how poorly things were going with the army, he has been quick to inform them that this was a different army than the one they were familiar with. In my opinion the difference is not between the two armies as much as it is between the two High Commands, because the junior ranks continue to fight and die for their land much as they used to in days past, and they will continue to pull the chestnuts of blundering Generals from the fire in future as well, but it is the Generals who are losing their shine to dross.

The question that plagues many minds is, which way is our present High Command herding this country? In 1971, our High Command took us into a disastrous war and much bloodshed which broke up our country. It seems that today our High Command is committed to treading the same path with the hope that this time they will break it up with hunger and benighted misrule, but without the shedding of blood!

By overthrowing the Imran Khan government, the Generals had already lost the support of the people of Pakistan. By installing Zardari and Nawaz Sharif to craft and rule their destiny they have flung an unbearable insult in the face of these very same people. As a result of their rage the Generals now stand to lose much more, perhaps including their pants and their heads.

Without pants, it will be difficult for them to turn out smartly. Without heads, they will not come through at their handsomest.

Bad days lie ahead for the people. But those that lie ahead for the Generals are not overladen by fair promise either.

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